Name: Tropical Storm Bertha
Location: Hangin’ out off the coast of Africa
Severity: Weak. 40-mph winds? Psh. I’ve ridden my bike faster than that.
Number of headlines with phrase “big Bertha”: As of 7:30 p.m., zero, but give it time. Give it time.
Feb. 14, 1995
I’m writing by flashlight so my parents don’t catch me. Its always hidden in the bedside table in my room (It’s brown, not white, that one has candy in it.) But I actually got up enough nerve to give Charlie a valentine. Oh, boy was that tough to do. Oops, I hear mom!
Gotta go,
Stepherino
Farewell to Geico
Your commercials are wondrous
But your rates too high
Feb. 13, 1996
I did it! I asked Pat to dance! But I was rejected. Then he told me he would ask me later. Instead, he danced with two other girls. Oh well. It’s only middle school. My friends yelled at Pat. Arrgh! He probably was scared off. Also, my dad took me to Osco and I saw Jeremy. I told my dad I don’t have a crush or anything I was just surprised. Dad honked the horn! Remind me never to do that again! (Tell dad I mean.)
Discusted,
Me
(A feature in which I dissect lyrics of the current No. 1 song on the Billboard charts)
I Kissed a Girl
Katy Perry
No, I don’t even know your name
It doesn’t matter
You’re my experimental game
Just human nature
It’s not what good girls do,
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey
I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry Chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it
For a brief, wonderful time, the song at the top of the charts had multifaceted lyrics and deep themes. So much for that. Meet Katy. Katy is experimenting with women, which is fine if that’s her thing, but I’m not buying the shy way she talks about confusion and excuses. She’s one of those girls who giggly confesses something like it’s a big secret when actually she’s determined to brag about it to everyone she’s ever met. Also, for some reason I’m thinking of Britney Spears’ comments after that infamous kiss with Madonna, where she bubbled about how “this is something I’ve dreamt about since I was a little girl!” Katy, a comparison to Britney Spears is something to avoid. You could have written a song with real discussions about sexuality, but no. So, go ahead and make out with random women if it makes you happy (and if your boyfriend don’t mind it), but your fake coyness isn’t fooling me.
If skilled Martin Gee
Isn’t safe from some layoffs
Rest of us are screwed
Dear Democratic National Convention organizers,
If you want to escape accusations of elitism and want to attract the Southern vote, this is a very, very bad way to start.
Sincerely,
A fried-food-loving new Texan
Dear Mother Nature,
ENOUGH ALREADY.
Sincerely,
Stephanie
